Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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