I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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