i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
