She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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