my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
