My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
