Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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