at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
