I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
