I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I think I died a long time ago.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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