me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
