it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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