i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
