You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
