last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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