So drunk its hurt
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
