i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Randomize
