I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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