I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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