1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Just puked most of my soul out..
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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