my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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