My friends, they love my intelligence
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
