Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
