I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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