i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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