I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
