I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
