Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
