I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
we're making bets on your personal life
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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