I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
