your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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