Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
