dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
