Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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