when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
