Say something about gay babies.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
