Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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