I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Pants are for mortals
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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