When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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