at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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