toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
