If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
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