im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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