Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
