It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
