I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
