Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
