you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
3 2 1 whiskey
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
