You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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