a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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