i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
