you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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