His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
