I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
