i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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