She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You have to summon your inner elephant
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
